Miracle
by Mercury32
Summary: Judas reflects bitterly on his relationship with Jesus until Mary offers some words of encouragement.


**Disclaimer:** Don't own them. Although I think that's bleeding obvious. On the other hand, being sued by the Vatican for this would be one hell of a story to tell the grandkids.

**Dedication:** Clo, as usual. Christine. Claire. And Jen, for attending church once a week, bible study once a week, being a good little Catholic girl and for nearly knocking me over and wetting herself in glee when I informed that I'd written another one.

**Notes:** I will not take this down because you find it offensive. I do not believe in God. I do not believe in Hell. Flame me, please. It's cold out here and I need something to light my cigarette. Title inspired by the Bon Jovi song 'Miracle' from the Young Guns 2 soundtrack.

**Miracle**

I sit alone by the fire, staring at the dying flames. It is late, and I am weary, however I cannot sleep and I am quite content sitting here with my thoughts. I have no desire to go inside and be the odd man out. Besides, I do not know if I could handle watching the way Mary acts around Jesus. I can understand that she wants him, but the way she flaunts herself and the way he encourages her is more than I can stand.

I know my absence will not go unnoticed by the others and that they shall draw their own conclusions about my behavior. I do not care. The others already think me strange, there is nothing they can say about me that is worse than the truth. I should not be here, I am unworthy of His love and attention. If I was any kind of man, I would walk away for there is nothing I can give Him that He cannot get from anyone else. I could no more walk away than I could cut off my own head.

The sounds from the house die down, and I know they are preparing for bed. It does not bother me, I would prefer to be alone right now. I should not be jealous of Mary, but the way He looks at her... oh how I wish he would look at me like that. Just once. A lantern is placed by the door – to provide me with light, should I wish to enter the house while it is dark and all those inside are sleeping.

"We are not competing for His affections Judas." It is a very good indication of how deep in thought I am that despite the silence and stillness of the night, I do not realize Mary has joined me by the fire until she speaks. I don't look at her, still continuing to watch the flames.

"I am well aware of that Mary."

"I do not believe you are." Her voice is gentle. "I know where your dislike for me comes from, but I would like it if we could be friends... for His sake. I would like that very much."

"I do not know if that is possible." I reply softly, my heart pounding. Why has she come? Does she wish to flaunt that she holds His favor? There is no need for I am as aware as that as I am the colour of my hair. Mary sighs.

"Judas, I do not wish to be an enemy of yours. I am aware that your dislike for me stems from jealousy. I will tell you again - we are not in competition for his affections. Yes, I love him. I would give him the world if only I could. Yet, he would not accept it. There is nothing he wants from me. I love him, but I know that my love will never be returned."

"He is too dedicated to spreading the Word of his Father." I murmur. "It is too important to Him, he shall not be distracted."

"Do not place Him on too high a pedestal." Mary warns, looking at me closely. "Do not forget that despite his parentage, Jesus himself, is still a man. Are you not aware of His recent nightmares?"

"I am." We all are. It would be impossible not to be. Lately, there has not been a night in which I have not been woken to sounds which are only made during the grip of some terrible nightmare. Many nights have I lain awake, wishing that there was something, yet not daring to presume that anything I could would make a difference. "He has not slept well in a long time."

"Why do you not go to him? Why do you not seek to ease his suffering?"

I look up and Mary is looking at me closely. I look away. "I am just a man. What could I do to comfort the Son of God?"

"Remember that he is also human." She replied gently. "Go to him. Let him know that he can show you his weakness and you will think more of him, not less. That will provide him with more comfort than you can ever know. "

I get to my feet slowly and look at down at Mary. "Woman, if you are not telling me the truth...."

"I owe you no favors, I will grant that. Even if you have never trusted me before and you never trust in me again, trust in this one thing. I will gain nothing from this. " She smiles sadly. "It is for His sake, not yours that I tell you this. I cannot bear to see him suffer so much and I would do anything in my power to ease his pain. The only thing I can do that will help, is what I have just done. Go to him. He will not turn away from you."

Without another word, I turn and walk inside. It is dark and as I stand in the doorway, I see him sitting in the dark with his eyes closed and it is not until he speaks my name and beckons me to his side that I realise he is awake. I kneel next to him. "What is it My Lord?"

"Tis nothing." He smiles at me. "Will you walk with me?"

"Of course." We walk away from the small group of houses and head towards the open plains. We stop, near the edge of a small cliff and sit under the branches of a large tree, looking at the view. I thought he may have brought me out here to talk, however I soon realize that is not the case.

"My lord, what troubles you so?"

"It is nothing Judas." He repeats his earlier answer. I know he is lying and am tempted to let it go, until I remember Mary's words. "Forgive my impertinence, but if it were nothing, your dreams would not trouble you so often, nor so deeply. I am concerned for you ML, it pains me to see you suffer so. What would you have me do that can ease your torment? All you need do is tell me what it is and I shall do it, without a second thought."

He does not reply and I do not dare to look at him. I close my eyes, wondering what made me trust in Mary's words. I feel a hand rest lightly on my cheek and when he does speak, his voice is so low I can barely hear him. "Open your eyes. Look at me."

I do and am to surprised to see his face is barely an inch away from mine. "Before I ask, I need to know exactly what you are offering me Judas Iscariot. I would not for the world take more of you than you are prepared to give."

"Take of me what you will. There is nothing I have, that I would not give to you willingly. All that is mine is yours to take as you will and use as you wish. There is nothing you could ever ask of me that I would deny you." I look into his eyes, wondering what it is he sees in my own. I cannot make my feelings any clearer than this. After a moment, his features relax and a smiles spreads across his face.

"I had not dared to hope. That you should feel this way... In this moment, you have done more to ease my mind than any other could do in a number of years."

Not knowing what to say, I hold him in my arms and kiss him, hoping that everything I can not say out loud is said in that kiss. He kisses me back and it is enough to make me light headed. We make love, right there on the ground and it is so amazing, so beautiful and so intense that it brings tears to my eyes. We lay there, bodies pressed together talking. We talk of the others, of our mission, of Mary. We talk of us and it makes my heart pound faster to realize that what ever happens, we are to face it together.

The dawn breaks over the valley and it is with deep regret that I suggest we head back. The others will begin to wonder at our absence and I do not wish to draw attention to it. This is still too new, too fragile to expose

to the harsh world. I start to make my way back and he stops me, kissing me one more time. "You said last night that there was nothing I could ask that you would deny."

I nod. "This is true. Now perhaps more than before."

"I have something to ask of you, something you may not wish to do. Should you decide it is something you do not wish to take part in, I will understand completely and will hold no grudge. As you know, Passover is the day after tomorrow....."

End


End file.
